Chipped: Struggling with Anxiety During Pregnancy After Loss
When I became pregnant for the first time five years ago, I was filled with so much joy, excitement, optimism, and the naïveté that nothing would go wrong. When that first pregnancy resulted in an early loss, many of those positive feelings got chipped away. Subsequently I became a little less excited, a little less joyful, a little more pessimistic. I was no longer ignorant to the fact that a positive pregnancy test does not automatically equal a baby in my arms. I feel like that first loss created a new version of me, a me that was much more riddled with anxiety and who was very aware of what could happen on the flip side of pregnancy. The heartbreaking, unfair side where you don’t get to take your baby home.
I experienced a second loss several months later that shook me and my faith like never before. I talk more about that loss here. That loss chipped away at me again, and I started to feel like I may never have a baby of my own.
Despite my fears, God blessed me with a beautiful baby girl my next pregnancy. During that third pregnancy, I struggled with intense fear and anxiety over the possibility of losing her. I knew very well that the gift I was given could be taken away. But the moment my daughter was laid on my chest, I was overcome with a love I never knew existed. Everything I went through to get to that point was worth it.
When I got pregnant again a year postpartum, a little bit of that initial joy and optimism I had lost came back. I felt more confident in knowing my body could grow a full-term baby. And when I heard our baby’s perfect heartbeat during our 8-week ultrasound, I was filled with instant relief and grateful tears. The odds of a loss happening after a confirmed heartbeat are so low, and my previous losses had both happened before we were able to get to that point. I was ecstatic and full of hope. I was sure we would bring that baby home.
So when I went in for my 12-week appointment and found out our baby’s heart was no longer beating, I was not only chipped but I was completely shattered. My whole world stopped and yet another version of me was made. There was the old me that was going to bring our baby home in June. Our two children would be 21 months apart. We would have two under two, and I was up for the challenge. I was incredibly nervous but excited for it. I wondered if my daughter would have a baby sister or brother. I envisioned our life as a family of four. Oh how I missed that version of me. Because then there was the version of me after I found out. The me that heard the words “there is no heartbeat”. The me that knew I was now carrying a baby we would never get to hold. The me that had to see our baby’s lifeless body on the same screen that was full of life just weeks before. The me that sobbed alone in a tiny room they put me in to grieve before I had to walk out of the office and drive myself home. The me that thought our family of three may never become a family of four. The me that now envisioned my daughter as an only child. The me that became angry, numb, and hopeless. The me that couldn’t understand how God could let this happen, again. The me that felt like it all was just so unfair.
When I got pregnant again a few months later, the initial excitement you get when seeing a positive test turned into instant fear. I wished I could just enjoy a pregnancy without the crippling anxiety and doubt – without all the worst case scenarios constantly playing in my head. How I wished I could just be at peace during my pregnancy. But I was forever marked, forever scarred. Forever chipped. I felt like the right to experience a happy pregnancy had been stolen from me. And I envied mothers who had never experienced loss. Whose lives had never been chipped.
I wish I could tell you that I found a way to enjoy an anxiety and worry-free pregnancy. The pregnancy I had after our third loss resulted in the birth of my perfectly healthy second daughter. But that pregnancy was really hard. It was hard not to live every day in fear of what could happen. It was hard not to be constantly overcome with anxiety. There was no trimester, no month, no week I reached where I felt completely safe. I didn’t feel that until my daughter was born and I was holding her in my arms. But it did get easier with each milestone that passed. I feel like little bits of relief slowly come throughout the pregnancy. First blood test, relief. First ultrasound, relief. Genetic test, relief. Anatomy scan, relief. And what really helps me feel better is when I start feeling baby kicks and get that daily assurance that everything is okay.
Even in my current pregnancy, I still struggle with the anxiety over what could happen. I find myself dreading going to check up appointments, for fear of what news I might hear. Just in case I get bad news, I want to cling onto the “before” version of me for just a little bit longer. The version of me that doesn’t get chipped yet again. But God has remained faithful at each check up, at each blood test, and at each ultrasound. I’m in my second trimester now and everything is medically perfect with our baby. All that’s left to do is put my trust in God, and believe that He will bring us to meet our full-term healthy boy come June. I’m chipped but not broken, and God has done a beautiful job at healing me over the years. He has truly made beauty from the ashes, and I’m so grateful for where He has brought me today.
There is a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery called kintsugi. Instead of throwing away a ceramic piece that has been chipped or broken, the chipped piece is put back together and filled with beautiful gold instead. That is how I envision myself, full of chips and cracks that God has repaired with something even more beautiful.
During all of my pregnancies after loss, I have been able to find peace and comfort in scripture. Trying to put my trust in God and surrendering to Him has helped me to actually enjoy my pregnancies, and has given me hope that my pregnancies would end with life. You can have a happy, joyful pregnancy after loss. Take it one day at a time, trust that God will give you your daily bread. Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. (Matthew 6:34) Easier said than done, I know. And pray through it. Pray for you and your baby’s health. Pray for your doctors and caregivers. Pray that God will ease your anxiety. Cast all your cares onto Him. Know that you are not alone.
There are a few verses I love to lean on for support during pregnancy after loss. I hope they can help you too. I also have a book recommendation I will add to the bottom of this post. Feel free to leave a comment with your favorite Bible verses or book recommendations so that others can get some support from them too.
Bible Verses for Support During Pregnancy After Loss
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6
For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. – Psalm 139:13-16
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. – Isaiah 41:10
I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7
Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. – Isaiah 61:3
Book Recommendation for Pregnancy After Loss
Courageously Expecting: 30 Days of Encouragement for Pregnancy After Loss.
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