Motherhood
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Chipped: Struggling with Anxiety During Pregnancy After Loss
When I became pregnant for the first time five years ago, I was filled with so much joy, excitement, optimism, and the naïveté that nothing would go wrong. When that first pregnancy resulted in an early loss, many of those positive feelings got chipped away. Subsequently I became a little less excited, a little less joyful, a little more pessimistic. I was no longer ignorant to the fact that a positive pregnancy test does not automatically equal a baby in my arms. I feel like that first loss created a new version of me, a me that was much more riddled with anxiety and who was very aware of what…
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Just One (More) Child
I remember when I prayed for just one child. After months of negative tests and two early losses I prayed that I could finally get to hold a baby in my arms on this earth, MY baby. For so long I had wished to be mom and I wondered if I ever would be. That’s all I wanted. And a little over a year into our journey to parenthood God answered my prayers. I remember when I was surprised with another pregnancy right after our daughter turned one. I knew I wanted another baby but I didn’t think it would happen so soon. I was scared at first but then…
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Never Too Little to Grieve
I’ll never forget the first time I saw those two pink lines, after 6 months of negatives, 6 months of tracking, timing, and praying that this month would be the month. It was finally our turn. I woke up early in the morning and couldn’t fall back asleep, so I decided to head to the bathroom to take a test. I was not expecting to see anything, as I hadn’t for the months before. But to my surprise when I looked at that test – a second line. I couldn’t believe it. I stared at that test intensely and started to shake. Could it be? Could it really be? I…
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Tiny Footsteps
I hear tiny footsteps scurrying through our room in the middle of the night. My daughter climbs into bed and settles herself into her spot next to me, and then quickly drifts back to sleep. She has been doing this since she was about 16 months old. Since we gave up on the crib and got her a floor bed. Since we finally started getting some sleep again. This is her safe place. We are her comfort. And it feels right. In the western world of sleep training and self soothing, cosleeping is looked down upon by many. But in almost every other part of the world, cosleeping is the…
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The Little Way of Motherhood
When I was confirmed into the Catholic Church, I chose Therese as my saint name, as I was drawn to St. Therese of Lisieux and her spiritual approach of glorifying God and finding holiness through doing small, every day things. One of her most famous quotes, “do little things every day with great love”, sums up the essence of her spirituality that she called “the little way”. Now, as a stay at home mom, I can’t think of a more fitting way to view motherhood than through the lens of “the little way”. Some days it feels like I’m not doing much. I wake up and make breakfast. Do the…
