Faith as Small as a Mustard Seed

Several months after our first pregnancy loss I found myself… still not pregnant. I had initially thought that because I got pregnant once I would be able to get pregnant again. But when it didn’t happen in the next few months I started doubting myself and my body. I decided to schedule an appointment with a fertility doctor to make sure everything was okay. After all of the blood tests, hormone tests, and a painful hysteroscopy, my doctor found absolutely nothing wrong with me. She suggested I start a round of IUI but that felt like a big first step for us, so I asked her if we could try one medicated cycle instead. A medicated cycle involves taking medication meant to stimulate ovulation, going in for ultrasound monitoring, and when the doctor sees a mature follicle that is ready, you take a “trigger shot” at home to induce ovulation and try for a baby. I was instructed to start the medication on the first day of my cycle. Even a medicated cycle felt like a lot for me, and I secretly hoped that I would get pregnant before we started so that I wouldn’t have to do any of it. I started thinking about it a lot, praying about it, listening to podcasts, reading scripture, and dove deep into the silent, lonely world of infertility as a Christian, which many people don’t know about and no one wants to have to be a part of. I started reading about all of the barren women in the Bible – Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah – and how God opened their wombs and blessed them with children. I started looking to their stories as inspiration – if God could do it for them He could do it for me. I knew He COULD do it. But would He? What could make Him bless me enough to open my womb? I came to the conclusion that it must be my faith. If my faith was strong enough He would do it. I found words in scripture that supported my belief and I clung to them with everything that I had.

So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. – Mark 11:24

He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.” – Matthew 17:20

They rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord; then they went back to their house at Ramah. Elkanah knew his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. – 1 Samuel 1:19

I thought this was the answer to our problem. If I just believed enough – truly believed – God would reward my faith and bless us with a baby. I started to recite Mark 11:24 every day throughout the day. I prayed every day to God, “Lord please remember me like you remembered Hannah. Please open my womb and bless us with a baby.” And I believed. I believed with everything I had that it was going to happen. I knew that with all my faith, with all my prayers, that this month was going to be the month we got pregnant. So when the first day of my cycle came around, I was pretty crushed. But I wasn’t giving up. Maybe I needed more faith, more prayer. “Next month” I thought. Next month will be our month. Our medicated cycle. I started my medication as instructed and a couple weeks later went in for the ultrasound monitoring. They wanted to see a mature follicle that was ready so that we could induce ovulation with the trigger shot. “Not quite ready yet”, she said. So I came back a couple of days later, waiting for them to tell me it was finally time. I remember the ultrasound tech just looking at the screen a bit perplexed. “I’m not seeing anything yet, let me go get the doctor.” I figured that is never really a good sign. I waited in silence in the room as she went to go find my doctor, who came back and performed the ultrasound herself. She told me that she wasn’t seeing any mature follicles and that she was going to run some bloodwork on me. Disappointed, I left the clinic not knowing what to expect next. Why wasn’t my body responding to the medication? What was wrong with me? I got a call the next day from the fertility clinic. I’ll never forget that call. “One of the tests the doctor ran was a pregnancy test, and that came back positive.” I could not believe my ears. It was truly the last thing I ever expected to hear. All I could say was “What? I don’t understand.” She said “Yes, the doctor wants you to come back in two days to get your HCG levels checked again.” At this point I was shaking in disbelief. “God has answered my prayers!” I thought. “God remembered me.” “God rewarded my faith, I knew He would!” I couldn’t wait to tell my husband the surprise of our lives.

What happened next shook my faith in a way like never before. My miracle baby, my gift from God, my faithful reward, was taken from us just a few days later. I could not wrap my head around how God could take a baby away that He had rewarded me with. Grief overcame me. I tried over and over again to pray to God and I just couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. For a long time I was so angry. How could He let this happen when my faith had never wavered? When the doctor told me that my HCG wasn’t rising like it should and this likely wasn’t a viable pregnancy, I believed that it still could be. I believed that God could do it, that God could save my baby. That God trumped doctors and science.

God could have saved my baby, but He didn’t. My faith couldn’t save my baby and I don’t know why. All I can do is trust that God’s plans were bigger than mine. The truth is that my life, my blessings, whether I’m gifted with children – none of that is up to me. It’s all up to God. I can declare what is going to happen in my life all that I want but it won’t make it true. And that is hard. To give all control up to God, to fully submit your life to Him, is really really hard. To trust that His plans are better than your desires. All I could do was keep the faith that someday we would have our miracle baby, our answered prayer, here on earth.

My story didn’t end there. After that miscarriage, my fertility doctor recommended we start the process of IVF since we had two losses at that point. I suddenly felt a pull to leave that clinic. I felt like God was telling me, “Slow down. Wait.” This was the complete opposite of anything I wanted. I wanted a baby quickly- right now! If you know me, “patient” is not in my list of personality traits, at all. But I listened. I waited. I left the clinic and decided to see a NaPro (Natural Procreative Technology) fertility doctor. These are Catholic doctors that specialize in natural and holistic ways to restore fertility in women. Before they could take me on as a patient I had to go through eight weeks of learning about and charting with the Creighton model of natural family planning. Once I completed that, I got to have my first appointment with a NaPro practitioner, where she explained they would do in depth hormone monitoring and imaging. They gave me a plan of what the next few months would look like. The goal was to get pregnant naturally. There would be no artificial means to conception. No IUI, no IVF. I had a plan for natural fertility care and I felt so much more at peace with it. I felt like I was in the right place.

But before I could even get started on that journey, I got pregnant that month naturally. My NaPro doctor started me on bioidentical progesterone very quickly, as they found out I had low progesterone in pregnancy. I carried that pregnancy to full term and gave birth to my first daughter. It wasn’t just my faith that brought her here – it was God, His plans for me, and His perfect timing.

I know not all stories end like mine and I don’t know why God answers some prayers and not others. I do know that I’m not meant to understand it all and that’s where faith comes into play. I know that faith is powerful but not all-powerful. I know that God’s plans are better than mine. That His plans for me are not a punishment. That they’re meant to prosper me and not harm me. I know that the uncertainty of life gives me the opportunity to submit to the Lord and His plans for me, even when I really don’t want to. I know that God has taught me patience through my trials. I know that all of His plans are for my good even when I can’t see it. And I still believe that faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains.

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3: 5-6